What is self-awareness? Conscious knowledge of one’s own character and feelings….

Why is self-awareness important? We live in a world where information is being hurled at us with ever-increasing speed and in ever-increasing amounts, but our brains can only take in a certain amount of information before we feel overloaded. In addition, we humans like to think too much. Often thinking too much can lead to obsessing about actions from the past or worrying about the future. This overthinking can cause us to feel anxious and depressed, but if we can become aware of our thoughts we can better regulate our emotions.

“The human is the only animal on earth that pays a thousand times for the same mistake. The rest of the animals pay once for every mistake they make. But not us. We have a powerful memory. We make a mistake, we judge ourselves, we find ourselves guilty, and we punish ourselves….every time we remember, we judge ourselves again, we are guilty again and we punish ourselves again, and again, and again.”

Don Miguel Ruiz

Fear

David Hawkins wrote in, Letting Go, that we fear not being able to experience because we think our body is who we are.

We fear feelings because we have no way of dealing with them in the way that we deal with practical things in our life. Feelings are mysterious, as they are visceral and linger in our bodies for far too long, and at other times they are ephemeral and pass through us like a breath. Mysterious, because sometimes they seem to come and go as they please, and we just don’t know what to do with them. As a result, how we react to life situations, and subsequently behave, have a lot to do with our unchecked emotions and feelings. We suppress them or push them down consciously, or we repress them subconsciously. Over time we collect an array of feelings, and it is the pressure of this collection of feelings that creates thoughts. A single feeling can then create too many thoughts to even count. We then go on to believe things about ourselves that aren’t necessarily true, but by repeating our thoughts incessantly we become our thoughts. The opening of the Dhammapada, book of sayings from the Buddha via Buddhist scriptures, reads We are what we think/ all that we are arises with our thoughts/With our thoughts we make the world. This ancient wisdom is readily apparent everywhere we look. If you are in a house, cabin, high-rise building or a shack at this moment, the structure you inhabit was a concept in someone’s mind before it became a physical reality. You could safely say that you are sitting in the mind of the designer of any physical structure that was first conceived in a human mind. In another example, look at an Olympic swimmer. They didn’t wake up one day with a long, lean, powerful swimmer’s body. For years, that athlete only thought and acted out swimming, and as a result, they don’t look like a weightlifter when they get up on the starting blocks for their chance at earning a gold medal – they look like a swimmer. Everything is mind, and nothing happens without mind. Hence, why self-awareness is so important. It is vitally important to be aware of our thoughts.

ACCEPTANCE

In Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), it is called cognitive fusion when we become overly identified with our thoughts or concepts. If you have given too much thought to the idea that you are a bad person who is not lovable, there’s a very good chance that you will become a bad, unlovable person.

RESISTANCE

Resistance keeps the feeling going. When sitting with, or being with our feelings it is important to not attempt to alter or label the feeling you are experiencing. However, it is best to approach the feeling gently and with curiosity. Most of us are afraid of our feelings, and that is why we find so many ways to avoid them through distractions like social media, television, the internet, drinking, drugs, sex, shopping … The problem is that no matter where you go, the stuff you are avoiding is with you.

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“The more deficient we feel, the more separate and vulnerable we feel.”- Tara Brach

If we are not made of the right things, if we believe we are not good enough, how could we possibly fit in or belong to the rest of humanity? As a reaction to the feeling that we are a misfit, we isolate ourselves, withdraw, retreat. We make decisions based on what we think of ourselves, if we feel unworthy then we will make choices that manifest consequences that further feed our self-loathing, and the cycle continues. We stay in perpetual vigilance as to gain validation from an uncaring world, and at the same time we are finding ways to discredit ourselves. We become fixated on some goal of success, and every time we think we’ve arrived, the finish line has been moved, however, there is no finish line. Or, as Ram Dass once said, there’s no place to stand. Taking a position about any concept creates dualism and inner conflict. For example, I might say, ‘I’m going to quit smoking’, but as soon as I’ve uttered these words I’ve necessarily brought two more words into my vocabulary, which are should and shouldn’t. I should be healthier, and therefore, I shouldn’t smoke. This sort of polarisation creates tension between what I think I should do, and what I think shouldn’t do, and then guilt arises, which in turn begins another sort of circular doubt and recrimination that goes on and on until we find ourselves feeling anxious and depressed. On the other hand, acceptance and awareness can help mitigate our guilt, tension and doubt to bring us closer to what the Buddha called the middle way, or the path through life that avoids extremes.

It may be difficult to let go at this moment and become aware of the conflict of opposites because we’ve always been told that we need to either do something or hold onto something. It may feel strange to do nothing or to not take a stance because we have been taught to identify with the ego self, and we think we are our job, our problems and all of the material items that we have accumulated in our lives. This identification with the ego-self is generally not a problem because it is how we function in the material world, in a very limited sense it is who we are. However, everything in the material world including relationships, jobs, cars, houses and all of our worldly possessions are but temporal, impermanent, symbols of our existence that can disappear in a moment. Therefore, if we become too attached or over-identified with this temporal self, and our entire identity is based in a transient thing or concept, the loss of that thing or concept may lend to a feeling of being lost. When we lose what we think is our ground or our place, we lose our reference point. Afterward, we might say to ourselves, “My wife was my whole world. How can I be in this world without her?” or “What am I without my job?”. Where to go, what to do, who to trust? From the beginning of time, the sages have said that our path to freedom is inward.

So, in the context of self-awareness looking inward is the process of becoming aware of our thoughts and how these thoughts affect our decisions and actions. It is not the seemingly unbearable life situation that is the problem, it is how react to that situation that counts the most. It is important to be ruthless with your mind. When emotionally painful things happen, our minds will try and protect us from that pain by dissociating or by suppressing the pain through distracting ourselves or abusing drugs and alcohol. We need to be ruthless with our minds and stay anchored in the Now. This is not to diminish the often-traumatic events that transpire in our lifetimes, but to be ruthless with our minds means to not let ourselves become over-identified with that pain, or we risk becoming that pain. In my private practice as a psychotherapist people sit across from me and tell me some of the most heart-wrenching stories imaginable, and some unimaginable. In these moments, I don’t tell my clients to get over it, nor do I tell them to get on with it. Moreover, I don’t suggest that they should push their feelings down as to forget them. On the contrary, I begin them working very gently with becoming aware of their thoughts. Once they have become aware of their thoughts, they begin working understanding the relationship between thoughts and feelings; and finally, they work deeper by learning how to experience feelings.

Seeing vs. Looking

Chogyam Trunga, the now-deceased late-20^th century Tibetan monk, said there are two essential ways that humans deal with reality. He says that we can See the world, or we don’t plan what we are going to say or do in the future, but instead we live spontaneously in the moment, and take things as they come. On the other hand, we can Look at the world or we can live life worrying about the future and feeling guilty about things that have happened in the past. Most people worry and judge themselves, and others about actions from the past. In addition, many people worry constantly about the future. As a result of overthinking the past and future, we try to enforce our will on every situation in order to feel safe. In other words, we want to create situations that are not threatening. Though this is a very subtle process of control, it can deeply affect our every decision. Hence, we can say our decisions are coloured by what our mind is telling us about a particular situation. It then becomes habit and we feel we have to judge, label, and assert a certain amount of control on our experiences.

Everything is Mind

Be ruthless with your mind. If you’ve found that you tend to have regular worries about the same challenge you are facing in your life, look around you and ask yourself: Is that problem physically in the room, or is there anything that I can do right now in this moment about that particular problem. If the answer to both of the questions is ‘No’, and it usually is, then you can make the choice whether you want to continue worrying or obsessing about that subject. In other words, be ruthless with your mind. I think most people would agree that having these thoughts constantly running through our minds, is in no way helpful. Some thought and planning is a good thing, otherwise, we’d never manage to accomplish anything in our lives. However, if our mind is constantly being tossed to and fro by events in the past or dreams of the future – be ruthless with your mind. How? There are a few ways to accomplish ruthlessness with your mind.

One way in to this practice is to simply look around the room or environment you inhabit, and ask yourself whether the thing you are spinning over and over in your mind is in fact in that space with you. My clients tell me all the time that they ruminate over things that happened 2, 3, 15 and more years ago. There’s absolutely nothing one can gain from such self-reflection – it only serves to drive anxiety and depression. Therefore, if it, that horrible deed from your past is not in the room with you, there’s nothing you can do about it. Moreover, if you can’t do anything about it, why torture yourself. Here, the past colours our vision of the Now, so much so, that it will affect our decision making and our behaviour, Now. This is so logical, most people miss it, however, once you are able to softly rid your mind of these persistent thoughts about the past you will find that your anxiety, and depression will be more manageable. Getting rid of these thoughts is the goal, but the mind is like a misbehaved teenager: if you tell it not to do something, it will be sure and do more of it. Instead, we should simply become aware of the unwanted thought or thoughts. Simply becoming aware of what we are thinking is vastly different than letting them run wild because in this moment of awareness we’ve disrupted the mindless chatter in our heads that leads to so much personal pain. But, what then?

It is here, when the mind goes astray, where we then connect and become conscious of our breathing. Metaphorically, the mind represents the past, the future and humanity’s quest to control the material world through rational thought, and the body represents our connection to the Earth and direct experience in the present moment i.e. the breath. Connecting with the breath anchors us in the moment because the breath happens only Now, unlike thoughts which can transport us into the past or future. Breathing is tangible, thoughts are not.

What if you have an interview in one week, and you can’t stop thinking about it? What do you do? First of all, prepare for the interview, and while you are preparing for the interview connect with your breathing (your anchor in the present moment). After that, have a look around your room, apartment or house and see if you can find the future, but don’t waste too much time because it doesn’t exist, it’s only in your mind – and the mind is a trickster. If you have taken all the practical steps you can take to prepare for the interview, step off into the unknown and show up at the interview Seeing, not Looking. Dare to live spontaneously in the all-powerful moment, Now.

Finally, we come to the most clean, clear, logical and simplest approach to rediscovering the Now. The present moment is the only place we can live. That’s it. Now is the only place we can do, the only place we can act, and the only place where we can make the choice to be present.

It’s Called a Practice for a Reason

Find a time of the day where you can assure that you won’t be interrupted in practising your breathing techniques. Turn off all of your devices and retreat to your meditation space.

Sit upright with a straight spine. A good way to ensure that your spine is straight is to imagine you have a string tied to the top of your head, and this string is gently tugging your head upward, which in-turn drops your chin ever-so slightly. If you are sitting in a chair, notice that the soles of your feet are flat on the floor, and begin to notice your weight sinking into the chair. If you are sitting in lotus (sitting cross-legged with each ankle resting on the opposite thigh) or half-lotus position (sitting cross-legged with the sole of one foot resting on the opposite inner-thigh, and the sole of the other foot resting against the front of the other leg’s shin) and begin noticing your weight sinking in to the floor or meditation cushions.

Begin breathing gently through your nose with nice, even inhales, and then exhaling slowly and evenly through your mouth. Now, begin noticing how your breath is causing your belly to rise and fall. After a round of 3-5 deep breaths, begin to settle in to a cycle of more subtle inhales and exhales.

When we first begin sitting with the intention to focus on our breathing, especially with those who might be meditating for the first time, the mind will be very busy and will have many things to say. While settling into your cycles of gentle inhaling and exhaling, begin noticing the mind, but don’t get drawn in by your thoughts – just notice your thoughts. This is a perfect time to spend a few minutes contemplating a particularly difficult challenge, simply reflecting on the events of the day, or reviewing what the new day might bring. Eventually, the mind will naturally settle down. As the mind settles, focus only on the breath; if the mind starts chatting again, acknowledge the thoughts, and then go back to focussing on the breath. You will find that your mind will cycle through equilibrium (complete focus on the breath), and total distraction when the mind just won’t shut up! Don’t be concerned about or get attached to either the relative peace or chaos, just keep coming back to the breath.

Contemplation: The action of looking thoughtfully at something (including concepts, plans, images etc.) for a long time.

Begin slowly and build up your practice - don’t try to sit for any specific amount of time – just sit. The progenitor of the person-centred approach in psychotherapy, Carl Rogers, wrote of a self-aware person, “Such a person is more potentially aware, not only of the stimuli from outside, but of dreams and ideas and of the ongoing flow of feelings, emotions, and physiological reactions that he or she senses from within.” This sort of self-awareness is accessible whenever you choose to connect with it. In addition, this work on your self-awareness takes you into learning about how your mind works, and will bring you into direct experience – instead of living through the past and future in your head, you are alive and present in the moment.

It is good to have a regular practice of noticing and learning about the self. The goal is to be able to catch our minds overthinking not only in the time you have set aside to meditate, but also while waiting in a queue, preparing dinner, walking down a busy city street, or while cleaning the kitchen.

References

Radical Acceptance, by Tara Brach

Letting Go: The Pathway to Surrender, by David R. Hawkins

(https://www.health.harvard.edu/staying-healthy/understanding-the-stress-response)